Loss…A Transformative Power in Business and in Life
Wednesday, May 19th, 2010Loss is inevitable. We have no choice in this life about whether or not we are going to go through the process of loss – we will. What we do have a choice about is how we move through this inevitable process. And, notice, it is a PROCESS. Sometimes we sail along smoothly, going through periods of time when things are going fine, and then BAM!! Something happens – we lose a job, we move, our spouse leaves us, any number of things can happen and then we are thrown into a pattern of pain, grief, shock and anger. 
Sometimes these losses are like a rock slide – first one falls and before you know it, it seems as though you’re getting hit over the head with a new one every few days! In the span of about three months, I have lost:
My house
My family
My friends
My romantic companion
My spiritual community
My job
When loss happens, we can feel so raw, and open and vulnerable – like a little newborn animal – skinless, blind and dependent on something larger than us for sustenance.
Most of these things haven’t really been “lost” in the true sense of the word. They have, however, changed and transformed and in the process are transforming me. Some of them are even things I wanted to “lose” (like the job!) So, what exactly is the meaning of the word “Loss” in this context? It doesn’t necessarily have to mean that we no longer have these things in any way, shape or form. It does mean that our connection with these things has changed in some way. It seems that there is maybe a very fine line between loss and transformation. Because when loss happens, we are transformed just as our relationship with the thing list is transformed.
For example, my family is still there for me – they are just a couple thousand miles away now. But we can still communicate via phone and email.
I carry my spiritual communities with me in my heart – the teachings and the spirit of them.
My Beloved is still my dear friend and we can communicate in other ways. The relationship has changed, but he is not “lost” to me.
What about in the case of the death of a loved one? They are there in whispered memories that come to us at any number of moments throughout our days. I am not suggesting that these changes are the equivalent to what we once had. No, they are but shadow of the former vividness we had.
This is where the transformation comes in. As we go through the stages of grief, we are transported and changed. We are strengthened and prepared. It is important to go through these stages and you may find yourself going through several in one day or one hour! You may find yourselves revisiting a prior one. Here they are as defined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
Eventually, you will find yourself more and more in Acceptance. One of my favorite phrases is “This too shall pass.” – and it will. I know that, but sometimes when we are in the middle of it, it feels like it will never end and things will never be good again. One thing I know is that they will be good again – they may not be the SAME again, but they will be good, if not great!
So what are some things we can do to ease through this transitional time?
1. First and foremost is self-care! You are very vulnerable at this time and this fact needs to be honored. Make sure you are getting enough sleep every night; try to eat plenty of fruits and vegetables and protein; get outside and get some natural light; exercise –even if it’s light stretching or yoga;
2. Honor your emotions – It’s OK to cry, it’s OK to scream and be angry; it’s OK to feel some apathy towards day-to-day activities.
3. Clear out the unnecessary – this includes not only material things, but also the activities that take up so much of our time – really reflect on what is necessary and what can be put off or totally eliminated. After clearing out my living space because of a suspected insect infestation (which turned out not to exist), I felt so much clearer, and empowered! It’s amazing what clearing out can accomplish!
4. Ritualize the transition – I find creating ritual around these markers of change in our life can really help honor the transformative power they are providing. Light a candle, say a prayer, write out what you want to remember or take-away from the thing that was lost, bless it and burn the paper. It could be something as simple as that!
5. Get help – especially if you are stuck in one of the stages or even if you are not, it can be very safe and supportive to get professional help through this time.
The dawn always comes – sometimes the night seems long and dark, and we can’t see what is next, but the dawn does come and things look so much better in the light of day!
This article was written by Patricia Selmo, an Interfaith seminarian, certified life coach, spiritual healer, teacher and guide. She is the co-founder of the International Association of Women Spiritual Leaders: www.iawsl.com.
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